Ads in Bills Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) "Married" (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like "Cripes." For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of "Gosh?" of the church of "Holy Moly". I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in "Heck"?
Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "how can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "sexy Senior Citizen". You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Reverse Life Cycle: The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for highschool. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.
Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-in Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'share the love.' " Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that? He said ....Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ....put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... But he pulled through.
My mother had morning sickness-after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him . do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said...I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him ... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright....you're ugly too!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face turned me over and said. Look ... twins!
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
What's shaking Norm?"
"What's new Normie?"
"What'll you have Normie?"
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"Beer, Norm?"
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Women. Can't live with 'em... pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"What's the story Norm?"
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is I'm against it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for t he Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis.
Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote."
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy, considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." . What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
5. When people say "Its always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after youve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No stupid, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at ceiling up there.
7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!
8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
9. When something is new and improved, which is it? If its new, then there has never been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. You should know, asshole. You pulled me over!