Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
One day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."
There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said, "No, that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
From an ex-field sales/support survivor: I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.
Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.
[After a few minutes of going round and round]
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It is still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!]
Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost....
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because, I DIDN'T!"
Some suggested comebacks to unsolicited telephone sales calls.
You Know You're Middle Aged When...
You're older than your dentist.
It takes you two tries to get up from the couch.
A telephone rings on the TV and you think it's yours.
The only "Stones" you're interested in these days are Kidney and Gall.
For the first time you have to deal with nose hair.
Corduroy is king.
Your computer has more memory than you do.
You bring lawn chairs to outdoor concerts.
People warn you about shoveling snow.
You go from being a do-it-yourselfer to a hire-someone-elser.
You don't have bad hair days; you have bad hair years.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they
were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then
asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana.
The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother." Use the grown up word.
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.
The teacher again said, "No, No, you went for a trip on a train." That's the grown up word.
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer.
He proudly stated that he read a book.
The teacher asked what book he had read.
He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved
to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver,
being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what
had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She
stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a
spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the
road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road
another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He
ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results.
D r. Smith said, "Geo rge everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are
you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, 'poof!'
the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then 'poof!' the light goes off."
"Wow" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically
he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up
during the night and 'poof!' the light goes on, he goes to the bathroom and then 'poof!' the light goes off?"
Thelma replied, "Damn fool! He's peeing in the fridge again!"
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone
marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
In heaven, there are two gates for married men: The gate for married men that say that they are the boss, and; the gate for married men who admit that their .
Saint Peter was strolling near the two gates one afternoon. In front of the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss, was a big long line. In front of the gate for men who say the they are the boss was one fellow, standing all by himself.
"Say Buddy, what are you doing over by THAT gate?" inquired Saint Peter.
"Well, Saint Peter, I'm really not sure," replied the man "but this is where my wife told me to stand."
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long . But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
Bill is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a
stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Bill sighs, puts down the large and cumbersome suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter
to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Bill brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til sixteen" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Bill continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all," says Bill. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Bill. "View recede ten" Bill says, and the display changes to show eastern New York State.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says Bill. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also has a very creditable little 10 meter radio transceiver with a digital tuner, a radar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Bill.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready -- "
"I'll give you $1000 for it!" interrupted the stranger.
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -- "
"I'll give you $5000 for it!" the stranger interrupted again.
"But it's just not -- "
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" the stranger interrupted a third time.
As the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Bill stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. Plus getting the 10 meter capability would be easier and the extra money might allow him to add the computer logging.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Bill abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and takes off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute!" calls Bill. The stranger turns around warily. Bill points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station and says "Don't forget your batteries."
A little boy opened the big old family Bible and with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!"
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a 10 dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.
He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there won't be any trouble.
The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived juat before the first pitch.
When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, 'Up nuts!' and the inmates immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled 'Down, nuts!' and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the inmates were well behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled 'Clap, nuts!' and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
Things were going so well that the director left his seat to get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.
The director finally located his assistant and demanded, 'what happened?'
'Everything was fine,' the assistant said, 'until some guy came over and yelled,
'Peanuts'.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were more than 3000 years old.
They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if they had had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...... Now, look again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
Middle Age
Monkey
The Grown Up Word
A Rabbit Tale
Knows God
Thinking Green
wife is the boss
It's time to go home
The Bill Gates' New Fangled Watch
Adam's suit
forgotten his key!"
Peanuts
Shy Guy
archaeologists