A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to eat pork?"
The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork."
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your Church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest replied, "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork, isn't it?"
In an ancient monastery in a faraway place, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery's scriptorium. He was assigned as a scriptor on copies of books that had already been copied by hand.
One day, he asked Father Florian(the armarius of the scriptorium), "Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow chances of error? How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else? Are they ever checked against the original?"
Fr. Florian is set back a bit by the obvious logical observation of this youthful monk. "A very good point, my son. I will take one of the latest books down to the vault and compare it against the original." Fr. Florian went down to the vault and began his verification.
After a day has passed, the monks began to worry and went down looking for the old priest. The were sure something must have happened. As they approached the vault, they heard sobbing over the new copy and table. It was obvious to all that the poor man had been crying his old heart out for a long time.
"What is the problem, Reverend Father?" asked one of the monks.
"Oh, my Lord," sobbed the priest, "the word is 'celebrate'!".
Did Noah include termites on the Ark?
How could you be a good Jewish boy with a name like Ham?
Why is the practice called "fasting" when time passes so slowly when you're doing it?
What does an atheist do when he drives up behind a car with a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker and that car doesn't move when the traffic light turns green?
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money for repairs to the church building.
He was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist!
. The church has gun racks.
. The cchurch staff consists of senior pastor, associate pastor, ans socio-pastor.
. The bible they use is the DSV (DR Seuss version).
. There's an ATM in the lobby.
. The choir wears leather robes.
. The worship services are BYOS (bring your own snake).
. There's no cover, but communion is a 2 drink minimum.
. The pastor regularly attends meetings in Las Vegas and Atlantic City.
. The ushers ask, "smoking or nonsmoking".
. The women's quartet are all married to the pastor.
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
1. "No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."
2. "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
3. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
4. "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
5. An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief,take two tablets."
6. When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
7. "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"
8. A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
9. "People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
10. "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
11. "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
12. "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
13. "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
14. "Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."
15. "How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"
16. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
17. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
18. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
19. "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
20. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
21. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
22. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
23. "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)
24. "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
25. "In the dark? Follow the Son."
26. "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
27. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."