After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him, "this is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But, be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says, "123," and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."
Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
Jim complained to his friends "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Jim figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard, get a water softener. Your dog has worms, give him vitamins. Your daughter's on drugs, put her in rehab. Your wife's pregnant, it ain't yours --- get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
"I can't remember, exactly ... Peter Peter, something or other...."
Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage".
Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you".
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block".
Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?"
Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home".
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table,my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said,
'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room.
Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.
Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina". The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "O.K., what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina.".
The Husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it". So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor,doctor",she shouted.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself... he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing? "he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating, replied "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard..."
One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when one observed a rather well dressed and attractive lady walking just ahead of them.
One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with that woman."
To their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark and turning around she said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion goodnight, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment where they immediately went to bed.
The following morning the man presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating that, "If you don't give me the $25.00, I'll sue for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." The next morning he was surprised to receive a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your Honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a pie ce of property, a garden spot. Surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25.00, one half of the amount of rent agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is restricted property and we ask that a judgement be granted against the defendant to assure the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amazed at the way his opponent has presented his case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he originally planned it.
"Your honor, he said, "My client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such a property for a time and a degree of pleasure was derived form the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer comeback was thus, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make the improvements such as my opponent described. However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but also left the hole much bigger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We, therefore, ask that the judgement be granted." And she got it.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery, January day. When the daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied," Put your hands between your legs and your body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs and they will warm up." He does this and his hands warmed up.
The next day they are riding in the buggy and the boyfriend says," My nose is freezing cold." The daughter says," Put it between my legs and it will warm up." He does and sure enough, his nose warms up.
The next day they are again riding in the buggy and the boyfriend said, "My penis is frozen solid."
Later, the daughter is riding in the buggy with her mother and asks her, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother replies, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter answers, "Well, they sure make a mess when they thaw out!!"
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?
Two ants met in a woman's belly button and decided to explore the rest of her body. Agreeing to meet back in the same place in a week, one ant headed north while the other went south.
Seven days later, they returned to the belly button. "I had a great time," reported the ant who ventured north. "There were these two big hills, and every day I went skiing, and at night I slept in this nice warm valley."
"I had a hell of a time," sighed the other ant. "First I had to walk through this thick jungle, then I fell down this huge hole, and by the time I climbed out I was so tired that I fell asleep in this smelly cave. But that wasn't the worst of it! Every night, this giant worm came in and threw up in my face!"