An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Only a lawyer would do something so low.....
A man enters a house of ill repute in San Francisco. The madam greets him and asks his pleasure.
"Do you have a young lady, with blond hair and blue eyes named Mary?" the man asked, adding "She's comes highly recommended."
"Why yes we do," answered the madam. "Let me introduce you." And the girl is summoned.
The man meets Mary, and they retire to a convenient bedroom, where the business is transacted. As the man is getting dressed, he extracts his wallet from his pants and removes $500, which he lays on the table beside the bed.
Mary is VERY surprised, for he has paid far more than she usually gets for this service, but she holds her tongue.
"Boy, Mary!" the man says, "You are the best I've ever had. Can I come back and see you again tomorrow?"
"Why of COURSE!" Mary smiles, thrilled at the prospect for a repeat of increased earnings again the next day.
The next day the man returns as promised, and again they retire to Mary's room. This time the man asks for a few slightly kinky favors, but nothing that Mary hasn't done before. Once again, upon completion, the man takes out $500 and places on the bedside table.
Mary, who has become just a little fond of the guy, says, "Uhh, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but you're paying me too much. I usually make a hundred, maybe two, if it's really 'special,' but golly, FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?"
"That's okay, Mary," the guy says. "You're worth it! And I have one more day in town, so I'd like to come back one more time. Okay?
"Why sure," Mary beams. "I'll be looking for you."
The man comes the next day, and this time, he REALLY puts Mary through the wringer! Beyond kink, he makes Mary perform acts of unspeakable depravity. And once it's over, as he is again getting dressed, he takes from his wallet $1,000 and lays on the table.
Mary, who is exhausted, wet and disheveled, lying on a bed in ruins, looks at the money, smiles tiredly and says, "You are really something, y'know it? What line of work are you in, anyway?"
The man smiles brightly and says, "Oh, I'm an attorney, down here from Seattle. An elderly client of mine, a Mrs. Cosgrove, died and I'm down here delivering a couple of thousand dollars inheritance to her niece."
A puzzled look crosses Mary's face. She pauses, and then says, "Hmmm, I think I've got an aunt named Cosgrove, and I think she lives in Seattle?"
The attorney, true to his calling, winks and says, "Gee, small world isn't it?"
A guy phones a law office and says "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies "I'm sorry, but he died last week."
The next day, the guy phones again and asks the same question.
The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful attorney. So, the volunteer in charge of contributions called on the lawyer in hopes of persuading him to contribute.
"Our research indicates that out of an annual income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long incapacitating illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uhh... no."
"Second, that my brother, a disabled U.S. veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way volunteer began to stammer out an apology but was cut off.
"Third, that my sister's husband died in a tragic automobile accident, the lawyer said, his voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three small children?!"
The humiliated United Way representative slumped in his chair, completely beaten, and replied simply, "I... I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off one final time, "...and I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial--it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.