A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho."
Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season.
Minnie Mouse would get equal billing with Mickey.
Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Men would come with papers showing their true identity, marital and employment status, if they live with their mother, and whether they have had their shots.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
"Ms. Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be as attentive AFTER marriage as they were before.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."
Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women who are watching soap operas.
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: I'm sorry, I love you, You're beautiful, Of course you don't look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep-I'll take care of the baby, etc.
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can't pretend to be single.
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes & women would date 19-year-old boys.
After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
A female employee would be noticed for her work performance, not her bra size.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
RULE #1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. (Amen!)
Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10
Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule # 11
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
1. Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
2. Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
3. Butt (but) n.
4. Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
5. Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
6. Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
7. Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
8. Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
9. Taste (tayst) v.
10. Thingie (thing-ee) n.
11. Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
The Morning:
en wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Money Management:
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want.
Happiness:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Marriage Expectations:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Marriage Decisions:
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.
Marriage and the Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Memories:
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.
Understanding Women:
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
What a Woman Wants:
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way. The other is to let her have it.
Mistakes:
Any married man should forget his mistakes - it's no use for two people remembering the same thing.
Longevity:
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
The Battle:
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men.
Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
RESTROOMS
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.
Women use restrooms as social lounges.
Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Stan, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."
NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT:
...... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have nything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
PLANTS:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment , and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
GARAGES:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
CONVERSATION:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc.
Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "that was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on. Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.
Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay,"
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, POOF - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, POOF - she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."