A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud 'Hiss-Pop!' noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss, hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states.
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
Efficiency, it's a wonderful thing......
I took some clients out to dinner last week and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing until our busboy came with water and tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc., had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our orders, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some efficiency experts to review all our procedures and, after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut down our trips to the kitchen and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him and he quickly replaced the fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed and said "Thanks, I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, and then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point so, before he could leave, I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?" ,
"Oh, yeah," he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too.
"How's that?" "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, SELVES, we can pull it out at the urinals, literally hands-free, and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting the time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, thinking through the process.
"Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you."
"Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Heh, heh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
A guy rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it was quite obvious that she had nothing on under the robe.
Our poor guy breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He preceedes her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him and asks, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed guy stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm, doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, he stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME..."
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun...
Ventriloquist: "Hey-good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
New Zealander: - extreme look of shock -
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
New Zealander: -look of disbelief-
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Horse doesn't talk either."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
New Zealander: -extreme look of shock-
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
New Zealander: - total look of amazement
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "The Sheep Lies.
One morning, the members of a farm family were coming to the kitchen for breakfast. Just as Junior seats himself, his mother tells him to go to the barn and feed the animals.
Junior stomps out the door and heads for the barn. As he feeds the chickens, he kicks each one in the head. As the cow bend down to start on her hay, Junior kicks her in the head. He pours food into the trough for the pigs, and as they start eating, he kicks each one in the head. He goes back to the kitchen and sits down again.
His mother is furious. "I saw what you did!" she says. "Since you kicked the chickens, you'll get no eggs for breakfast. And since you kicked the cow, you'll get no milk. And no bacon or sausage because you kicked the pigs."
Just then, the father comes down the stairs and nearly trips over the cat. On impulse, he kicks the cat out of his way.
The boy looks at his mother and asks "Are you going to tell him or should I?"
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have alighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said.
So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really
think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?"
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "run... run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball. The Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter held his swing at three and two and, as the ump calls a walk, the Scotsman stands up yelling, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.
A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
The Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man!"
Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together.
Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding
something into the wall.
"Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad. "It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with
my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock." Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his
dad said, "I'll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota." So little Johnny handed the
test tube over.
The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car. "Oh," said
the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her
cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?
Well," said the teacher nervously "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking.
One day in class the t eac her brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and
you tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking.
Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay,
I've got it: it's round, hard, and its got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!
A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
An important senator arranges to use an escort service (high-class prostitution) and winds up with this beautiful Japanese girl who speaks little English, but hey, he wasn't in the mood for conversation anyway. So they get at it, and she gets into it like no woman he's ever seen! She starts yelling this Japanese word and making faces and he can tell he's driving her crazy!
He's never had it so good.
So the next morning, he's golfing with the Japanese ambassador, and he makes a birdie. He suddenly remembers the word that the woman yelled at what must have been the moment of climax the night before, and he yells it out.
The ambassador looks at him rather oddly, looks at the pin, and says, "no, that was the right hole..."
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class
He emphasized that the paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there were only two acceptable reasons for being late. Those were medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" The class exploded with laughter.
When the students finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he replied, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: " Outside of young boys, what does a priest know of sex?"
He goes to minister...a married man, experienced...for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash
around.Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today,
I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
Long after Dorothy, Toto and the rest of the gang left the land of Oz, Good Witch Glenda of the North was horribly bored. She spent her days just floating around in her little bubble gazing at the land of Oz, hoping for someone to help or inspire.
One day, while floating around in her bubble, she passed over a pond and saw a lonely little yellow toad perched on a lilly pad. He looked extremely depressed... She floated down to the toad and asked him what could be the matter.
"Oh Good Witch Glenda, you are right. I AM horribly depressed. I am completely colored yellow, whereas all the other little toads in the pond are green. Won't you please help me?"
Mustering up all of her kind heartiness and good will, she waved her magic wand over the toad, and his color changed to green... That is, all except his 'private parts.' They remained bright yellow.
"Good Witch Glenda! Thank you so much, but my lower extremities! They're still yellow, while the rest of me is green!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, dear little toad. My powers are strong, but apparently not strong enough. The only person who may be able to help you might be the Wizard, the Wizard of Oz."
So, in hopeful anticipation, he began hopping off toward the castle, where the Wizard of Oz resided.
Glenda the Good Witch continued her surveillance of the land of Oz, floating around in her bubble. As she was passing over a pasture, she looked down to spot a pink elephant who looked horribly depressed.
"Oh, Good Witch Glenda, you are right. I AM horribly depressed. I am completely colored pink, whereas all the other elephants in the pasture are gray. Won't you please help me?"
Mustering up all of her kind heartiness and good will, she waved her magic wand over the elephant, and his color changed to gray... That is, all except his 'private parts.' They remained cheerfully pink.
"Good Witch Glenda! Thank you so much, but my lower extremities! They're so pink while the rest of me is gray!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, dear elephant. My powers are strong, but apparently not strong enough. The only person who may be able to help you might be the Wizard, the powerful Wizard of Oz."
"Well, that's fine and dandy, but where may I find this fabled 'Wizard of Oz?'"
And Glenda, The Good Witch said: "Just follow the yellow-pricked toad!"
My wife said to me, "George, it is about time that you learned to play
golf, you know, golf, that's the game where you chase a ball all over
the country when you are too old to chase women."
So, I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.
He said, sure, you've got balls, haven't you? I said, yes, but sometimes
on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find. Bring them to the clubhouse
tomorrow he said and we will tee off.
What's tea off, I asked? He said, it's a golf term and we have to tee
off in front of the clubhouse. Not the barn somewhere. No, no, he said,
a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger. Yeah, I've
got one of those.
Well, he said, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.
I asked do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and
walked around. You do, he said, You're standing up when you put your
ball on the tee. Well, folks, I thought
that was stretching things a little too far, and I said so. He said
"You've got a bag haven't you?" "Sure" I said. He said "your balls are
in it, aren't they?" Of course, I told him. Well, he said, can't you
open the bag and take one out? I said, I suppose I could, but damned if
I was going to. He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told
him, no, I'm the old fashioned type.
Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after fifty years
I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so. He said, you take
your club in both hands folks, I knew right then he didn't know what he
was talking about. Then he said you swing it over your shoulder. No, no,
that's not me, that's my brother you're thinking about.
He asked me, how do you hold your club, and before I thought I said, "in
two fingers". He said that wasn't right and got behind me and put both
arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He
couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put four years in the Navy for
nothing.
He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar, I
said I could well imagine. Then, he said, and when you're on the green,
what's the green, I asked. No, then you take your putter, what's the
putter, I asked. That's the smallest club made, he said. That's what
I've got, a putter. With it, he said, you put your ball in the hole. I
corrected you mean the putter?
He said, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter.
Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon. Then he said,
after you make the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen. He
wasn't talking to me. After two holes, I'm shot to hell. You mean he
said you can't make eighteen holes in one day? Hell no, it takes me
eighteen days to make one hole and besides, how do I know when I'm in
the eighteenth hole? He said, the flag would go up.
That would be just my luck.
no eggs for breakfast
A million ducks
Walk with Pr-r-ride
Mercedes
Which one's married?
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.", replied Johnny."'cause the rest
would fly away."
it's a quarter
Uncle
Wrong Hole
sexual exhaustion
sex is work?
Square Balls
OZ
Golf?